Weird.

When I was 18 years old, I spent late nights discussing the future with all my chicitas. I remembered we set the age to 25: When I am 25 years old, I hope that A, B, and C will happen…

“When I am 25, I hope to be married and having babies.” (So innocent…) I also said that I hope to be immersed in my post baccalaureate studies and traveling the world. Today, my reality is that I am fabulously single, in my professional studies, and traveling the world. I am self-reflecting and it feels weird to see where I am today. Feels a bit depressing to be wrong about marriage, yet so relieved to know how far I’ve come along. I guess I’ve been feeling weird like that lately.

Marriage and kids should never be goals, but rather blessings. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, LIFE still happens. One more thing: love does NOT equal marriage. Marriage is trust, companionship, faithfulness, loyalty, responsibility, kindness, challenges, conflict-resolutions, growing, security, confidence, vulnerabilities and so much more. Love is just part of this expansive equation.

Right now, I am very single but I feel very loved. I love right back, too. Presently, I am a confident full-time auntie/part-time mom, supportive soul sister, my parents’ favorite [outspoken] daughter (teehee)—and life is good. I am making worldly travel plans. I am learning each day and filling my vessel with knowledge, inside AND outside of the educational institution. I’ve set new goals; the first one on the list is: be kind and kinder. Second: Be honest with myself.

I am embracing the now and LIVING, LEARNING, and LOVING. Sounds a bit cliche and feels weird, but feels right.

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Three.

The first man that I ever had a serious, committed relationship with is, inevitably, no longer with me. I think we really did believe that we had a future together, but that did not mean he was nor is the One. The first time he gave me butterflies was on our second date when he said to me, “Don’t worry about what I want, because I am telling you what I want. I am asking you, ‘what do you want?’ Tell me what you want.” In the end, the first person, outside of my family, to ever ask me what I wanted in life, was also part of that answer but in the opposite direction of where I wanted to head in life. Today I am a stronger woman because I learned that his love was not meant for me. I desired for an unbinding, relentless reciprocity. Please forgive me my first love. We are in such better places in our lives now; always keep the good we had because truly the good outweighed the bad.

In the midst of trying to move on and let go of my first love, I met the second man that I ever considered committing to, but the timing was all wrong. He had such a room full of kindness and compassion, but I was left melancholy and hurt from my previous love; I knew I could not give him my already broken heart. He tried to be patient, yet he forgot to see me for who I am: like a checklist, he just needed a wife, never-mind who the person was. I asked for time and space, which was exactly what he gave me. In this space-time, he moved on. Please forgive me my kind lover. I could not heal fast enough for you nor would I listen to your pleadings. Our individual histories left us a distance we cannot bridge, but our good-hearted memories remain. I hope you find a great love, exactly like the one you give.

While building all these walls around me, one man unexpectedly reached out his strong hands and quick wit to me. He became my best friend, my confidant. We look back; we embrace the now in each other’s company; we are ready for better tomorrows. Our interests are strikingly similar, and our heartaches are almost identical. We understand each other, and we are always learning about one another through the depths of our conversations and rapturous adventures. Through all this, I appreciate him so much because all we ask from each other is friendship. I once pondered whether he was my emotional rebound because our friendship happened so quickly. Yet, our friendship does not waver. Truth is: I don’t want to emotionally work hard anymore. I just want to let go and let peace. No one understands our relationship, but it’s not theirs to understand. We are friends, and I sincerely appreciate this reality. We are having great fun and truly helping each other heal. I could not have asked for a better companion to help lift my spirits. I hope I can continue to shine light into his soul through these dark times, too. From the depths of my heart, thank you very kindly best friend. The future is so bright and our unconditional support for each other is very sincere, very heart warming.

20 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think You Are

Thought Catalog

Screen Shot 2015-02-03 at 2.12.58 PMJocelyn Durston

  1. Youpaid the bills this month, and maybe even had extra to spend on non-necessities. It doesn’t matter how much you belabored the checks as they went out, the point is thatthey did, and you figured it out regardless.
  2. You question yourself. You doubt your life. You feel miserable some days. This means you’re still open to growth. This means you can be objective and self-aware. The best people go home at the end of the day and think: “or… maybe there’s another way.”
  3. You have a job. Forhowever many hours, at whatever rate, you are earning money that helps you eat something, sleep on something, wear something every day.It’s not failure if it doesn’t look the way you thought it would – you’re valuing your independence and taking responsibility for yourself.
  4. You have time to dosomething you enjoy. Even if “what you enjoy” is sitting on the couch…

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